Warning, honest ramblings.

I really don’t feel like I’m very prepared for the road I’m on right now. I had such hopes that this baby would stay and yet another one has been taken away. I know it’s not “proper” to talk about such things but I don’t care anymore.  I didn’t talk about it much after the last one and I know that wasn’t any good for me so I’m trying this out this time. If one of my other children had died it would be fine to talk about it, but there seems to be this unwritten rule about talking about miscarriages in society. I personally don’t understand it, you aren’t supposed to tell people you are expecting until after 12 weeks because then the fear of miscarriage has passed. well what do those women do when they do miscarry, who do they talk to, who do they cry to, who brings them dinner or a loaf of bread and jam, who folds their laundry for them. Who hugs them and tells them “I’m so sorry”, who takes their kids home with them so they can spend the afternoon crying all by themselves.  Who sends them little notes just saying they are thought of and loved. I know I’m having a hard enough time with all the wonderful things people have done, I don’t feel so alone, how would I be handling it without all of that. Yes I didn’t like having to go tell everyone that my baby is gone, but at the same time it is so nice knowing I’m not alone and that I’m so loved.  So i guess the reason I’m writing this for anyone to read is to say thank you for all your love and support. I KNOW I can’t do this on my own and I don’t want to either. I’m not handling it very well at all. I’ll walk pass a mirror and see my fat belly that is just plain fat now, it was fine 3 days ago knowing it was for a reason but now it’s just plain fat, fat that I never lost from the last one and now more added to it, or I’ll see my puffy eyes and there is another reminder. Or one of my little ones will wrap their arms around me and tell me they love my and I know I’m so blessed and so I cry because I feel I’m acting ungrateful for the 3 wonderful little kids that i do have. Poter has informed me “we’ll get a new one, we will” I know I’m so very blessed to have them and that so many people can’t have any at all, but it doesn’t lessen the hurt of the ones that I have lost. I know I’m not the only one in the world who has gone through something like this but thinking about that just makes me sadder to think that things could be so much worse, you would think it would make me feel better but it just makes me sad for them too. and  I really am so very grateful for what I do have, a wonderful family and wonderful friends and neighbors. I’m just hurting right now and wish it was easy to just move on and forget about it but it’s not possible. It would be nice to do that but it just won’t happen. I must say even just writing this has been very therapeutic, so thanks for the free therapy!